Juuzou and chemistry

(If you want to skip the ‘Juuzou’ post and just want to read the ‘chemistry’ post, please scroll down to find the corresponding bold word, announcing the change in topic.)



I’m thankful for my mom. She relieves me of my burdens.

Sometimes I feel emotionally overwhelmed and weighed down, and no amount of writing releases it. Sometimes I have to tell someone, and once I do I feel accepted, and that heavy feeling of frustration and passion goes away.

I’ve always been able to tell my mom everything. She knows I’m really honest and transparent, and she just has to push a little and I’ll tell her or show her anything that occupies my mind and that I feel the need to share. Sometimes her response isn’t as positive as I like, which makes me feel a little bad–but guess what, I tell her that, too. I tell her about my hesitation, and that I’m afraid of rejection, and I know she’s listening because when I tell or show her disturbing things, her reactions are becoming more and more accepting and positive. She’s showing me less judgement and more acceptance, and even though I have a feeling what I’m seeing on the outside isn’t the whole of it, and that she’s hiding her negative reactions from me, I am not emotionally disappointed or hurt, and so I find it easier to tell her more every time.

I find it amazing that she’s interested in my life,

that she accepts me despite my strangeness, despite my sometimes-radical interests and thoughts,

that she forgives me for my mistakes, never hates me, and never finds me ugly enough to give up on me.

And when I say me, I mean who I am inside. That person that reveals themselves here, and is surprised to find that people on the Internet don’t hate them; that person that is always hidden behind what I look like. Hidden behind the things I don’t say, and the subtle lies I tell. That person that is my completely honest person, with secrets like everyone has secrets.

I feel like I can tell my mom anything. I’ve been watching Tokyo Ghoul for some time, and I briefly mentioned that to her a while back. This morning, I saw this video, and the song was stuck in my head. I was singing it, but it wasn’t just fascination with the song (I lose interest in certain songs quickly, but the moment I am fascinated with them I become obsessed, and I am, emotionally, highly aroused)–it was the whole aesthetic value of the video and its meaning to me. I think Suzuya Juuzou is beautiful, and I found the singer’s voice gorgeous, and the beautiful instrumental background added to that moment of ecstasy that I wanted to relive constantly. I couldn’t stop watching the video because the pleasure I got was consistent and high. But after that–this happens every time–I lost most pleasure from the video. That loss of pleasure occurred just now, after I showed mom. And I think that part of that may be due to the fact that it was almost like my secret until I shared it–that it was a huge bundle of emotions that needed to be released. I’m glad now that I’ve been freed, because hopefully now I can do work more efficiently–even though that enchanting feeling is one that is in no way unpleasant. I actually longed for that last night–I felt empty–and so I ran a search on YouTube.

A search for an emotional high.

My mom reminded me she was an artist, that she had heard all the bad words–she told me it wouldn’t be that bad and that she wanted to see what I had found appealing.

And that was why I wanted her to see, I wanted her to think of why I had liked it. I wanted her to see that the video meant something to me because it had some element of my person.

The sadness of the melody and her voice reminded me of my own sadness, and then her anger and strength was the force I feel when sadness is not appropriate. My mom told me once that anger was in response to sadness–I don’t know whether or not it’s true.

But it wasn’t just that. It was the feeling of being lonely, misunderstood, wrong, hated. It was anger at being different, lonely, misunderstood. I understand loneliness, I’ve never really been understood, and I’ve always felt different. So I related to Juuzou on some level.

The beauty of the video made me feel some encouragement. I’m not crazy, I’m no psychopath–I know what’s right and what’s wrong–but I didn’t interpret the video that way. I interpreted it differently; I imagined myself as being Juuzou, or Juuzou as having my personality, and the beauty of the video made it seem like I wasn’t totally ugly.

As a person, as the one I am inside.

Because that’s what I always have felt. That I’m not accepted for who I am inside. Even here, I have to watch what I tell you, because I don’t expect acceptance. I never have. I don’t tell anyone about who I am, unless I trust they won’t run away.

Mom’s never run away, but the one other person I told did. Because they loved me for what I offered, not who I was, and mom’s always loved me for me, regardless of what I’ve done.

So when I showed the video to mom, I wanted her to understand my frustration, my sadness, my anger–I wanted her to feel caring for Juuzou, even though he was cussing, even though he was insane, even though he was killing, even though he was different–because if she didn’t find him ugly, then it would make me feel like maybe I wasn’t, either.

Initially, I saw she felt some sympathy for him. Back when she didn’t realize he was a psychopath. I showed her a part of an episode later, but before that she felt remorse, and understanding.

I think she probably found him beautiful too, right?

I don’t know what my obsession with beauty is. It seems so tied to value.

But I see beauty everywhere. I see it in the light green of the trees, in the sense of ideas, in the small habits of people. And of course there’s physical beauty (whether something’s attractive or not).

Beauty gives things immense value, to me. Personalities are beautiful. So many personalities.

But I have, for some reason, deep insecurity when it comes to my own. I have deep fear I’m not enough.

I have to stop, I’m sorry, but feeling too much is toxic. It can make me sad, it can make me jealous–emotions will be emotions. There’s a cure I know of, and that’s intellectual work. Which is why I will do chemistry right now. No matter how bad I feel, it will go away–this feeling always does when I do the right work. It stabilizes me, numbs my emotions, and makes me happy. Until, of course, I get tired of doing too much work.

Thank you for listening, I appreciate it.



Capillary action occurs when a liquid’s surface is attracted to a solid’s surface. Capillary action is partly responsible for the ability of water to travel up plant roots to the leaves. This also explains the formation of a meniscus (a water curve that seems to defy gravity which “forms in a test tube or graduated cylinder”). A meniscus forms because of the attraction of the liquid molecules to the inside of the tube’s molecules. The liquid only rises so much because of the weight of the liquid.

Vaporization is the term for the process of a solid or liquid turning into a gas. Evaporation is one form of vaporization. Evaporation occurs to liquids which are not boiling–it is the process by which particles escape a liquid’s surface and become gas particles. Evaporation takes place when certain particles in a liquid’s surface have enough kinetic energy. That kinetic energy overcomes intermolecular forces of attraction, and the particles are “freed.” They can move about as gas particles now. Evaporation affects the oceans, among other things. In tropical areas, evaporation occurs faster, because in these hotter areas, particles on the surface of bodies of water have greater kinetic energy, and are moving faster, and can become gas particles more quickly. Evaporation also occurs in perspiration, which is a bodily cool-down process. In perspiring, people release mostly water, which absorbs heat from their skin. This sweat then evaporates, taking that bodily heat with it.

And now, why liquids become solid when they are cooled. It’s amazing that in my random learning, I discover sense-making answers to things I never questioned. When liquids are cooled, their particles’ kinetic energy decreases, making the particles move slower. Attractive forces have greater weight, and the particles are pulled together into a “more orderly arrangement.” Usually, particles are pulled more tightly together, and a substance in solid form is usually denser (same space, more tightly packed with particles) than when in liquid form.


A single substance (such as sodium metal) can exist in different states of matter. The state of matter a substance is in depends on the temperature, because changes in temperature cause changes in the kinetic energy that particles of a substance have. Change in temperature causes change in kinetic energy/ speed particles move at. When they have more kinetic energy, attractive forces have less power to bind them together. When the temperature is lower, and there is less kinetic energy, attractive forces between particles have more power to bind them together in a rigid way. Sodium metal as a gas has more kinetic energy than it does as a liquid or solid. This makes interparticle attractive forces less powerful, and particles simply spread out. Sodium metal as a solid has less kinetic energy and therefore attractive forces can bind the particles together into orderly arrangements.

Learning about chemistry always makes me look around my desk. I wonder why pencil lead has the ability to stay on paper, why pen ink has that ability–are the molecules of the pencil lead/ pen ink attracted to those of the paper?–why pencil ink can’t be erased yet pencil lead can, so easily. I wonder who was the first person to figure out pencil lead’s usefulness for writing.


There are 2 types of solids, these being amorphous solids and crystalline solids. Crystalline solids are most common, and they are called such because these solids are made up of crystals, which means their particles are “arranged in an orderly, geometric, repeating pattern.” Amorphous solids’ particles are arranged randomly. As for shape, crystalline solids have distinct geometric shapes, whereas amorphous solids do not. The volume solids occupy doesn’t change much with changes in pressure or temperature (assuming the solids remain solids and don’t enter a different state of matter) because there is not much less space that solids can occupy–their particles are already very close together and there is not much empty space into which they can be crammed further.

A solid’s melting point is the point (temperature-wise) at which that solid becomes a liquid. It’s the point at which the temperature is sufficiently high for the kinetic energy of the particles to overcome the interparticle attractive forces and to escape that previous rigid order maintained by sustained attraction.

The book says that while crystalline solids have definite melting points, amorphous solids do not–instead they can “flow over a range of temperatures.” Amorphous solids are sometimes considered to be supercooled liquids, because of they share some properties with liquids. They have these properties because, by definition, particles in amorphous solids are randomly ordered, just like particles in liquid.

Believe it or not, solids actually diffuse. Compared to liquids however, they do so incredibly slowly. (The book said that if solid zinc and solid copper were “clamped together” long enough, some “atoms of each metal [would] diffuse into the other.”)

Lastly (and this applies to crystalline solids only, not amorphous solids), the 3D arrangement of particles in a crystal is known as its crystal structure. A crystal lattice is a symmetrical, 3D representation of this particle arrangement.

A unit cell is the smallest portion of a lattice which “shows the [3D] pattern of the entire lattice.” The books says there are 7 types of symmetry a crystal can have. These are those “seven basic crystalline systems,” with examples given by the book:

Crystalline system, example:

Cubic, fluorite

Trigonal, calcite

Tetragonal, chalcopyrite

Orthorhombic, aragonite

Hexagonal, emerald

Monoclinic, azurite

Triclinic, rhodonite

Thanks for reading. 🙂


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