Note: I am lucky not to suffer regularly from depression; in the title, ‘depression’ in the context I am using it means my temporary dip of mood which took place days ago.
Last night I realized it was all falling apart, so I had to change my mindset. I told myself I wasn’t the victim and that no one would save me, so I had to stop myself from drowing. That made me feel empowered to pull myself out of what felt like the vacuum of space. That made me feel like I had the ability to do that. Also, I made myself appreciate the little things. I held my dogs to me, I found excuses to laugh, I sipped warm tea, I ate girl scout cookies.
And they were delicious.
I started talking to myself gently, in the form of an imaginary companion I made appear for the sake of helping calm me. I always do that. When I’m frightened, I imagine a soothing voice of reason, and when I need strength, a caring hand to hold.
This apparition was Honey Lemon, from Big Hero 6. Someone beautiful, familiar and kind, she followed me around and told me only positive things, until I began to inch away from that depression, hopeless mindset and began seeing things her way.
And I realized, not for the first time, that the person I most yearn to be with is someone happy, cheerful, and positive. Most of the time I am that way, so I know I can find someone else that way. Having someone like that would allow me to have sunlight when it’s dark. In my post That Person, I mentioned having once found a friend that was more like that than not, and I loved her immensly—platonically, but in the way that matters to me.
(I don’t even understand what romance is, but I don’t really care at this point.)
She (Honey Lemon) told me to focus on happiness, and I realized she was right. That way, it may be that nothing will ever become pointless. That was my goal, but I forgot to focus on happiness primarily, and maybe that’s why I had a day like yesterday. All in all, no matter how horrible it was, I guess maybe it had to happen.
And I’m sort of proud of myself for having been able to pull myself out of that. Not to mention relieved.
If there’s anything I have learned, it’s that changing your mindset changes your life—fast and significantly.
I doubt it’s possible to be happy all the time—until I do it.
I have everything I need to be happy, really. Sure, all my needs aren’t met—but my psychology teacher told me something I believe is true and very interesting: if a child, princess or prince, had everyone in their parents’ territory striving to meet their needs, their needs would not be met.
So that’s no damn excuse for not being happy.
Life isn’t perfect, and it never will be. There are always challenges to face, but I can control my mindset, even when it’s gotten rough and I’m on the ground. I think I’ve learned enough about myself with my journal writing and examination to understand that I can pull myself out of the water and save myself. I don’t need to wait for anyone to save me, and I can’t—it’s not healthy. I need to summon the strength to pull myself out. I can certainly rely on others, and connect socially, and gain happiness from others, but there are times no one’s going to save me, like when I fell into that mini-depression which was one of the blackest waters I’ve touched for a while. Life lost purpose, and I knew it was temporary—or logic told me it was, anyway—but I felt so numb and bored with everything. That was awful. There are worse things, but that doesn’t mean it was a slice of cake.
I knew no one was coming and that was part of my despair. I felt I needed someone to give me something that would restart my system—I felt I needed someone to come to me with the answer. I went to my mom and my dad, and finally to my room to fix myself. I realized no one was going to fix me because nobody knew how to just change my perception. I realized I could do that by changing my mindset. I summoned Honey Lemon, and I relied on her positivity to change my way of thinking, and I saw the beauty around me once again. She’s appeared every day since then, because I always get a little down sometimes. It always happens. Something bad happens, and I get down—it’s something extremely slight, but I’m so sensitive—but then I summon her because I’m afraid that disappointment will have me descending slowly until I reach that pit again. I’m learning to control my emotions and stay positive at all times. I know it is possible. When good things happen, I magnify those positive emotions and dwell for longer on that positivity. When bad things happen, I calm myself down with soothing words and give myself hope for the future. Just now I had a mini disappointment. You may think me pathetic for being so sensitive, but whatever. I spent 40 minutes working on my story, not writing exactly but learning about story structure. The timer went off, and I was slumped in my chair, sad. My sadness was of low arousal, psychology-wise—it wasn’t like deep depression.
I was sad because I’ve never finished a novel, and I didn’t want to lose hold of the journey I wanted to go on like every other time. I worried that the more time passed, the more the story would fade away, and that I’d once again fail.
I didn’t want to watch anything on CrashCourse, so Honey Lemon came to me to lift me out of that negative emotion. It seemed not to be working at first, but I knew what I needed was optimism, and according to a wheel of emotions we got today in psychology class, optimism consists of anticipation and joy. I felt joy when I saw it in her countenance and heard it in her voice, and she told me that this story didn’t have to fade away. She told me that I would be working on it each day, understanding the story elements and piecing together characters and the plot. She told me not to worry and feel anxiety, and she reminded me that I had to write a story (it’s obligatory for the writing class I’m taking my senior year). It was thanks to this imagination that I was able to gain enough emotional stability to watch CrashCourse.
I haven’t been writing informational posts since my depression because ever since then I examined my purpose and objectives. Whereas before I had been aiming to produce informational content, now I am focused on happiness. Now that happiness is my primary goal, I seem to prefer writing about emotional dilemmas. I am learning just the same, but that knowledge is being written in my composition notebook in the form of bullet points, random statements, etc. I feel that maybe I’m more interested in learning than teaching, and that’s just one of my current settings. There are plenty of people who gain happiness I don’t from teaching, and that’s great for them and those they benefit. I think it’s important for us to give to others while not sacrificing ourselves.